Two mostly normal mostly straight human Stitchpunks Guide to Life
by Tapestry-weaver
Summary: Pretty much what it says on the tin. AU where the stitchpunks are human and don't have to worry about having their souls sucked out by giant evil robots. That isn't to say that life doesn't hold some modicum of danger for our favourite hero's however. All while slowly questioning their sexuality and just how close is too close. Will eventually be slash, boy on boy sexings. M! 5X9!
1. Chapter 1

"So how much have you had this time?"

The barely animate figure on the floor merely shifted, and let out a groan that Five would later compare to the mating call of a humpback whale in response.

"Eeeeeuuuuugghhhhhhhhh..."

Five sighed in resignation as he bent down to throw his friends limp arms over his shoulders, hoping Nine could keep from throwing up for just a while longer as he dragged him slowly towards the parking lot. This certainly wasn't the first time Five had ended up saving his friend the shame of passing out in the middle of a party, although he sure as hell hoped it would be the last. However he wasn't so naïve as to believe for a second that his wish would come true.

He was damp with perspiration by the time he made it to the red 1956 Chevy Bel Air that was his.. or rather his fathers.. pride and joy. Nine had become increasingly quieter on the journey there, and while Five was glad to have his poor eardrums spared the indecency of having to listen to his friends 'interesting' interpretation of 'sweet child of mine' one more time, it was a cause for concern. Afterall this was his dads car. This was his dads car, and his dad didn't exactly know that Five had 'borrowed' it for the night.

Definitely one of those catch 22 situations.

With a hard gleam in his one remaining hazel eye, Five dumped his reeling piggyback rider on the sidewalk and kneeled to be on a level with him. Nine did look a bit too green around the gills, but perhaps if Five made it absolutely clear that this was a no vomiting zone, he would hold out to the bitter end to honour the friendship they shared. Yeah right. But stranger things had happened. It was worth a shot at least.

"Hey shitface! Listen to me now."

Nine looked in his general direction and grinned lopsidedly. Good enough.

"I want you to pretend you are in a world where alcohol does not exist okay? Anywhere, like ever. And in that world you are not stinking drunk and on the verge of puking in your best friends vintage car."

The drunkard opposite seemed mighty interested in the zipper on his hoodie all of a sudden, and giggled at the little zippy sound it made when he pulled it up and down really quickly. Five sighed, rolled his eye, and face palmed. He was fighting a losing battle here and the best thing to do would be to get his friend home as fast as possible and hope for the best.

"Fuck it I'd get more out of talking to a baboon. Get in the car and try not to fall over."

He barely had time to get behind the wheel when the sound of breaking glass caused him to jump so hard he did a number of very stupid things in quick sucession. First he banged his head on the roof, which hurt a lot and would definitely leave a lump. Then as a direct result of the blinding pain he tried to lift his arms to shield his head from further damage, hitting the steering rack hard on the way up and causing the air bag to inflate right in his face. This also hurt a lot. In his rather groggy and clouded wisdom the most appropriate response to this 'attack' on his person was obviously to scream and panic. So scream and panic he did! He flailed with all he had to get free of the horrible inflatable thing suffocating him slowly, and somehow managed to fight his way clear and climb into the backseat. There he was faced with an intruder who had broken in from the passenger window and was currently lying half in and half out the car. He punched the intruder before his brain could finally catch up and let him realise that the poor sod he'd just punched was actually Nine, who in his infinite drunken wisdom had tried to climb through the window to get in the car. Because obviously that's how you got in a car.

Five hadn't cried since the most important question in his life had been whether a Velociraptor or a Triceratops would win in a fight to the death. But he sure cried then.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning had been anything but fun. By some miracle the pair had eventually gotten home safe, if not unscathed, but the damage to the car had been excessive. Nine had of course emptied the contents of his stomach all over the back of the drivers seat on the ride home, as Five had ultimately known he would, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Together they had managed to sneak the car into the garage without alerting Five's mom to the fact they were home at all. Nine had honestly been more of a hindrance than a help really but he'd insisted on tagging along anyway, all the while humming the James Bond theme under his breath.

It was only when the car was safely smuggled away back where it belonged that the full extent of what they had done hit home like a jackhammer to the chest.

Five had lay awake into the small hours, alternating between staring at the darkened ceiling and glaring at his best friend, who was crashed out on the sofa bed he kept as a spare. Nine had also passed out on the journey home, so Five thought it was only fair that he offer the drunkard a place to sleep it off, no matter how much he felt like throttling him to death.

When Five had watched his alarm clock finally display 8:30 it had barely had time to blare out the first few bars of 'I want to break free' (he still needed to change that) before it was silenced. He gulped down a lump in his throat and forced himself to throw the covers aside and greet the day. Even though there was nothing he would have enjoyed more than hiding under the duvet and pretending today wasn't a thing.

At some point in the next few hours, his dad would come home and see the mess his car was in. Five didn't want to be around for that.

Nine was still imitating a zombie, drooling all over the pillow and groaning softly in his sleep. The more sober 19 year old in the room felt it was only his duty to break his friend out of the ancient slumber he'd fallen into.. via shoe to the head. If it gave him a feeling of righteous justice then that was purely coincidental.

"THE FUCK'VE MOTHS'N HEAD FOR?"

Years of being friends with this pitiful creature had made Five fluent in Nine hangover speak, and he politely chose to ignore the subtly intricate curse disguised with stupid. And the spittle that landed on his face which neither of them would ever talk about. You just don't talk about accidental spit.

"Get up and take a shower, you reek. I dunno how much you remember about last night. But if I ask whether it would be too much of an inconvenience for me to stay over at yours for a few days, would that tip you off to the upfuckery of the situation?"

He'd tried to keep his voice steady, keep out the waver that would betray the fear pulsating inside him whenever he thought about what his dad would do when he got back. It was hard though, and if the way Nine cycled from confused, to guilt, to sympathy were any indication, he hadn't been fooled for an instant. They had known each other too long. Nine was probably the only person in the world who knew why Five didn't like staying home when his dad was around.

The taller male dragged himself out of bed finally and pulled a towel out of the linen drawer like he owned the place. Before disappearing off to take a much needed shower however, he smiled reassuringly, doing his best to keep the pity out of his eyes because he knows how much Five hated it when Nine felt sorry for him.

"Of course you can. For what it's worth.. I'm sorry. It's my fault your dads car got messed up. You.. yeah you can stay over at mine until it blows over. Sorry for.. well everything really."

One too bright hazel eye met two ice blue ones full of pity which shouldn't be there. Suddenly words were difficult, no.. impossible, and it was all Five could do to nod and wave a hand towards the door, a silent plea for Nine to go take his shower and afford him a moment of peace to gather his swirling turmoil of emotions. Nine didn't need telling twice.

It took the slightly older man ten minutes to pack enough clothes to last a week, plus the book he'd been reading and his crossbow (packed safely away in a locked case of course). He hated that he had to do this. He was old enough to be his own man now and own up to his own mistakes.. but he just couldn't face his father. The man had ruled over him with an iron fist for too long to simply break the habit.


	3. Chapter 3

Nine's house was what you would describe as 'cozy', which was a polite way of saying small. Despite the fact that with the addition of an extra person neither man could share a room without having to edge around each other like some weird sliding puzzle game, Five much preferred it to his own place. Nine paid for the ground floor apartment by working three nights a week tending bar at a nightclub nearby, which probably also explained his drinking habits. Free drinks were the bane of the man who doesn't know when he's had enough.

They'd skipped out on breakfast in favour of high tailing it out of Five's house before his dad got home, so the more responsible of the two (definitely Five) was currently busy raiding his friends cupboard in search of something suitable. In his opinion breakfast should not consist of a shot of vodka and yesterdays leftover Chinese take out, not even a hangover breakfast. Nine had given up protesting the merits of drinking a 'hair of the dog' as he called it after the nineteenth attempt to sneak the bottle out of the refrigerator. Eventually Five had snapped and poured the whole thing down the kitchen sink.

"You have a serious problem man. I know I'm the guest here but jesus Christ can't you see how bad it's getting? The drinking I mean? At least wait until after five pm like most normal people do."

Before the words were out of his mouth he was wincing at the unintentional venom he'd injected into every syllable. He'd told himself he wasn't angry with Nine for what had happened the night previous, and he wasn't really.. he was as much to blame. No there was some other reason for getting so worked up over it, and it was something they'd both been dancing around for quite a long time now. Neither really wanted to admit that Nine had a problem with alcohol.

Nine flinched and his brow furrowed into a frown. He was used to Five getting on his case about the alcohol but something in his friends tone made it seem like there was more to it this time. Like he was.. dare he even suggest disappointed?

"Okay sorry you win man. Vodka is not breakfast juice blah blah I get it. No need to be so touchy."

There was a loaded moment where Five looked like he wanted to say something else, a pregnant silence where they both reflected on the fact that beating around the bush didn't even begin to describe what they were doing. It passed after a time though, and Five sighed in resignation as he got back to frying sausages over the stove. One day he would find the courage to be brutally honest with his friend and get him the help he needed. Just like one day he would find the courage to stand up to his father. Yeah.

By some twist of fate or design Five's cell phone chose that exact moment to ring, and the young man didn't even need to look at the screen to know who was calling. He froze, then looked over his shoulder at Nine who was lounging in a chair at the table. The younger man quirked a brow at him in question, wondering why Five hadn't just picked up the phone already as the tune was starting to grate on his ears.

"What's up aren't you gonna answer that? You can leave me with the food for five minutes without the house burning down I promise."

Nine rolled his eyes and tried to nudge his way past Five to supervise the sizzling sausages in the pan but was surprised to find that his friend had decided to impersonate a statue. He was completely oblivious to Nine's attempts at getting past, and on closer inspection he seemed tense, brittle even. Like he'd snap if anyone so much as touched him. Nine was thoroughly confused and waved a hand in front of Five's blank face to try and break through whatever the hell was bothering the poor fool.

"Hey! Earth to Five wake up Five! Your phones ringing."

Fives knuckles were white and quivering as they clutched the kitchen counter. He looked ready to bolt at the slightest provocation. Nine began to panic, thinking he was having some kind of seizure or something. The ring of the phone became merely an annoying buzz of background noise compared to the warning sirens blaring inside Nine's head at that moment.

"Come on Five just sit down for a moment.. are you feeling any pains in your chest? Are you lightheaded or dizzy? Come on man talk to me!"

He guided the rigid cardboard cut out that had become Five's form to the rather lumpy sofa he'd picked up at a garage sale a week after he moved in. It was like trying to manouver a solid block of ice but with some prompting the shorter male sat down heavily with a thump, perching on the edge of the cushions as though afraid the couch was going to swallow him whole. The phone finally stopped ringing. For some reason Nine intuitively knew that was a good thing.

Nine rushed back to the stove to shut it off quickly before they really did cause a house fire, then filled a glass with water before returning to the sofa to press the glass into Fives hand and urge him to drink. He hovered over him like some worrisome mother hen as he watched his friend robotically lift the glass to his lips and take a sip. Far from satisfied with the lack of response, or even life, displayed by the zombie before him Nine fired questions in rapid time, hoping for some answers. He felt about as useful as a wet rag, wishing he knew what to do.

"I want you to tell me what's wrong so we can sort it out man. Do you need a doc? I can drive you to the hospital. Do you like.. get this thing whatever it is often? Just tell me what to do man I want to help! Five! For fucks sake man talk. Words, make them please."

Never in all the time he had known Five (and that was a looonng time.. as long as either could remember actually) had Nine ever had cause to fear for him like this. Sure they'd been in some scrapes, bitten off more than they could chew with some people who were like to eat them for breakfast, but at least they'd been in it together. This was scary on a completely different level.

And Five was still doing his best to pretend he was in fact a very detailed humanoid robot.

In sheer desperation Nine grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him so violently that the tousle of fluffy chaos Five called hair whipped him in the face.

"Five snap the fuck out of it and start acting like a fucking human being again!"

…

"Please.. come back Five."

Finally after what seemed an age, Five raised his eyes from the floor and levelled his gaze on Nine with recognition held in his one hazel eye. Nine could have cried, screamed.. shit he could have kissed the man because he was so overjoyed to see actual emotion again. He'd honestly thought his friend had snapped, and was never going to come back to the land of the living.

"What the fuck man what happened? You still in there? You fucking scared the shit out of me!"

Five blinked slowly, his hands jerked in his lap, a shudder ran the length of his spine, and just like that he was himself. He stretched out slowly, joints creaking as though they had rusted up from disuse and were badly in need of some oil. Nine wasn't surprised, afterall his friend had just spent the last five or so minutes in a completely catatonic state.

"I'm.. sorry man I'm fine honest. Just.. tired. Didn't get much sleep and I guess it caught up with me. I'm gonna head back to bed, sorry for scaring you like that."

He got up and left the room without another word, leaving Nine to stare after him in bewilderment and no small measure of indignant outrage. After being scared half to death the only explanation he was going to get was 'I'm tired'? That didn't sit well, but there wasn't much he could do seeing as it was plainly obvious that Five needed space right now. Besides he was too frightened of making him spazz out again by asking too many questions.

Questions he did have though, in plenty. There was no doubt in his mind that something was very wrong here, and he was going to get to the bottom of it. First he had to figure out what had triggered this.. attack.

It had all started when the cell phone started ringing. Everything had been peachy until then.

But Five wasn't nervous about talking on the phone like Six was, or frankly unable to talk over one like Three and Four.. so what the hell was the problem?

Nine played with the zipper on his hoodie, losing himself deep in thought as he tried to figure out the mystery.

The only logical explanation was that whoever had been trying to reach Five was someone he was avoiding. And the only reason that made sense for him to avoid someone was either because he owed them money (tight bastard), or he'd screwed them over. Five did not screw people over though. Seriously he was easily the nicest guy Nine knew, loathe to get into any kind of confrontation with anyone and the first to apologise too. He'd even been nothing but angelic towards his bitch of an ex, and she really was evil on legs.

Something nagged at the back of his mind, a feeling that he was missing something which should otherwise have been blatantly obvious, and whatever it was would give him the answers. If only he could put his finger on it….

Frustrated, Nine buried his face in his hands, scrubbing hard at his short black hair as though the friction might cause static electricity to jumpstart his brain and make him not stupid. Unfortunately such a thing was not only improbable, but impossible. Nine was just born this way and static electricity wouldn't change that.

He needed to get hold of Five's cell phone and find out who was trying to reach him. Maybe talking with whoever it was would reveal why Five was so reluctant to speak with them. He'd always been protective over his phone though for reasons which remained unknown to Nine, so to take a look at it would mean borrowing it. Temporarily borrowing it without permission with strict intentions on giving it back of course. Whichever way he looked at it though Nine knew he was betraying his friends trust by electing to steal the phone. He would have to chanel some serious Bond here to pull the heist off without Five ever noticing. Best start working on a theme tune.


End file.
